A property of Charlatan Co.

Visual eyestrains. Physical back pains, and internal miseries.

I was once curious about how homeschooling was enjoyable considering time-flexibility and resource-utilization; “it would be such a delight!” as my innocent eight-year old self wandered his imagination bank, walked happily, and years later; led up to emotional and mental turmoils. My childhood curiosity now antagonizes my academic will and personal growth as of writing. I am no longer curious.

Gracing everyday with an ‘enter meeting’ and stepping back with a red exciting, flashing counterpart. Visual eyestrains, physical back pains, and internal miseries. During the course, the self is anxiously rechecking, every two minutes, whether one’s microphone and video camera are off. A day where “still” self-portraits serve as greeters. We no longer use our necks to navigate who is currently speaking, the green box hovers with that. We no longer wear formal school or corporate uniforms upon turning on a .05 MP of a web camera for conferences or classroom discussions, a pambahay would already suffice all throughout. We no longer need to actively engage ourselves to whomever sharing his screen for concerned audiences, a self-portrait labelled under Surname, First Name, muted and video-off are fair enough. Poor speaker does not know the individuals behind “stills” do not give two cents about whatever that speaker is saying. Word vomit. Nonetheless.

 To maneuver this to current academic style, learning authentically given present circumstances is now a pure myth, only complying is now the new truth. We are not trained athletically to rapidly jump from a topic to a topic without comprehending a thing or two. Quick as a sprint as the professor rapped his way to succession leading to pending quizzes for word-vomited lessons at turns. Academic obligations are emphasized macroscopically, they could no longer be feasible to dissect each learning element one by one; they are now designed for rapid memorization, nothing more. Learning has now been compromised for a twisted exchange of academic progression [avoiding delays] for decreased learning equity. Academic opportunities are now shrunk to a level only be attained by the elite few. The new grading system falsely leverages everyone according to internet-stability, device-quantity, and requirement-duration. Let us congratulate Juan for an uno for his fast internet connection. The academic divide among socioeconomic classes are further underlined with red color. While there may be additional options to still attain whatever academic crumbs there are; students deserve the whole bread. This academic inequality tremendously sorts people who want the same thing, to learn. There would be no learning equity if the academic divide further favors those of whom with greater access to more academic resources. There would be no learning equity if those of whom with greater access to more academic resources would still turn blind eyes with such academic advantages from those who do not have such.

Acknowledging fact-of-privilege does not deter the self; rather, it resonates moral and mental openness of one’s comfort-medium whatever form it exudes; it highlights the dialog of multitudes of class and resource differences exist. Acknowledging is not antagonizing; rejecting is. It lets the person be self-aware of the comfort one is experiencing. It does not make one an antagonist, but it elevates the discussion of difference-multitudes. Knowing and accepting oneself is at a certain degree of acquired or attained comfort humbles the person empathizing for those who are still climbing the economic ladder. It does not make oneself a villain.

Acknowledging and becoming open are different from profusely ignoring and becoming rejective. Openness is the key to assimilation. Understand differences.

As to current educational mode transcending the personal self, we no longer need actual involvement for digital borders strongly filters out the interpersonal space. The effect amplifies to intrapersonal. We are consciously diving into self-sabotaging pools as forms of sports. The lack of motivation roots from numerous factors leading to specific reoccurring episodes of battling mental and emotional traumas while still struggling to academically comply. We could no longer distinguish unhealthy emotions and thoughts for the selves now falsely label these as “normal”. Unneeded anxiety is now at full spin. Waking up with a heavy heart and sleeping with a heavier one is now the constant.

As to other Universities now aided dominantly by Zoom and Google Meet integrations, I have listed some takeaways under this new mode of educational roundabout:

A matter of complying, putting learning aside

The access to academic freedom and understanding are now limited PowerPoint to PowerPoint. Professors, except for some who are passionate to teach, word-vomit lessons to strictly adhere to rushed academic timelines and completions. Such speed leaves the students with no choice but to solely comply given requirements; the only felt gratification is compliance. Nonetheless. They do not have the opportunity to fully grasp a concept for such task deters additional time to further complete other academic matters. The quantity and stress of academic workloads are multiplied ten-folds in return, academic quality suffers big time. Such digital arrangement forces both students and faculty to adjust like margins to fit in twisted academic standards of cookie cutters. It posts a great threat to healthy and conducive learning. We must now know that quantity of requirements is inversely related to its quality counterpart. Given the present educational medium, it challenges everyone to still follow the past-standard of excellence and competence while struggling staying afloat, being sane, and surviving. In the long run, this new educational highway puts all at a thoroughfare; would you rather invest your time digesting academic chewables while losing other time accomplishing requirements? or would you rather dig up yourself finishing requirements and losing your desire to learn authentically along the way?

Should we really choose?

Shouldn’t we?

Establishing networks is quite impossible

Creating new connections of friends and colleagues is quite difficult to execute under the new academic norm. We only get to analyze their personalities by hearing their distorted voices; sometimes accompanied by singing roosters and roaring cars; or a fighting kapit-bahay, or a beeping deliveryman from online shopping, by looking at their lagging cameras and sometimes messy bedrooms or living rooms; or by funny backgrounds may it be the like of the White House, a classroom, or a meme; by seeing their non-verbal language only be reflected by their faces; most of the time, often confused by the professor’s word spitting, and by innocently hoping those of whom behind still self-photographs, who are not turning on their microphones and video cameras, are nice enough to establish friendly connections. We only get to expand our interpersonal space without validly meeting these people, eating with them at lunch times, spending class after-hours enjoying, and physically ranting after long academic days. Actual human connections are now restricted depending on the screen size one has. I sometimes forget my classmates and colleagues are actual humans, with stories to tell, with purposes to fulfill, with desires to ignite, and with dreams to concretize not just mere Sims characters interacting with one another via Zoom. I also sometimes forget that my undergraduate education is not a virtual game with goals of collecting and accomplishing side quests, sending gifts to neighbors, and not waiting for crops to dry. I also sometimes forget that the real boss here is not the faculty, but the system that aggravates everyone. I am now confused distinguishing my online education with Farmville.

The digital sphere boxes everyone behind avatars. Seeing and feeling the human frailty humanizes us to moral cores; the goal here is to humanize not to digitize. The complication of digital networking is, we are slowly heightening the human gap of vulnerability. If we entirely base on digital mediums as tools for broadening interpersonal space, we lose touch with humanity. We could no longer remember that people behind screens are actual human beings with their human essences still intact. Their humaneness could never be reduced to a quantified digital footprint.

The new medium with the goal to connect ironically distances us further.

Self-sabotaging is apparent

The quarantine magnifies health issues to microscopic variations. A form of health highly affected is the mental aspect. Pushing through an academic endeavor under the pandemic-peak, affronts one’s sanity. When the roof calls for sole and collective survivability, you cannot expect everyone to perform ocean acrobatics while most are drowning. As the new educational systems wears on, numerous reports regarding depression, anxiety, and chronic stress symptoms are at ceiling-levels high. Intensified emotions cause people to lash out even at those closest and to strangers in markets and on streets. As a culmination, people become extremely unmotivated, less productive, and experience negative shifts on moods, concentrations, focuses, and emotional regulations. Humans are not biologically designed to be in a chronic flight-or-fight momentum at extended durations. We are not made to experience said heightened reaction over weeks and months. This causes us to be cognitively exhausted, burnt out, and emotionally worn down. The anxiety of thinking sustaining both personal and academic survivability twists us to multiple emotional and mental traumas leading to extreme episodes of perpetuating healthy progress. We are consciously aware of self-sabotaging, we are accepting the event, and we are extremely unmotivated to even change the situation. There is always this inner voice that convinces us not to even bother try. With the height of this COVID-19 situation, we no longer could visualize the end light of the current tunnel. This feels like a perpetual nightmare with no sign of ending yet, hence why even bother to try? I have personally experienced series of episodes leveraging from moderate to severe emotional and mental downfalls all resulting to self-sabotaging since the start of lockdown. There were days when I completely ignored my academic responsibilities and just decided to take hours of shut time. I deactivated my social media accounts and entered my imaginary cave. I spoke to my multiple personalities and no one else. I altered my reality and aligned it with my “what if?”. I lost my purpose, doubted my human essence, immersed myself with extreme negative emotions, and even asked the point of life. All these stumbled resiliency and goal-pursuit. There were barriers limiting oneself from attaining a clear picture of something; it feels like the more you are climbing the ladder, the more it gets higher and steeper. Regardless of any self-care requisite one is doing, self-sabotaging is apparent, it is a reoccurring scenario, it is something worthy of societal discussions. We could not just dismantle negative thinking; self-sabotaging is different from procrastination. It stems down from a bigger analysis of a chronic flight-or-fight momentum. This charges to a pursuit of physiological survivability. Losing your motivation is quite normal considering the current circumstances. Do not beat yourself up too much when dealt with current emotional cards. Do not bottle them up. Play with them. Relax your body, realign your mind, and refocus your vision. Your journey maybe paused; but it does not cancel the adventure. Do not let it. Battling yourself ahead of many “man vs. self’ combats is not a piece of cake, actually, it is the hardest. Thus, we must know when to press “pause”, “resume”, or “stop”. Pause, when an impending burn-out maneuvers the whole story and destroys it. Resume, when the story aches for substantial progress whether drafted or finalized. Stop, when the story leads to dead-end. Identifying your buttons significantly changes the whole narrative. Do not forget to also press “Restart” when the story deserves a new plot.

          Self-sabotaging is not pausing for a while, prolonging is.

Self-sabotaging is not beating yourself up until numbered midnight, it is granting yourself permission to be self-beaten up and passively agreeing to it.  

Self-sabotaging is not just about being unmotivated, it is a clamor for momentarily emotional pauses.

Learning when to press your life buttons is significant reaching healthy progresses.

Acknowledging the spectrum’s other end

While the call for academic adjustments are solely highlighted at the students’ ends. We must not disregard the people from the balancing scale’s other side, the professors. For those who are extending deadlines, giving additional points, rendering quality teaching amidst technical and internet glitches, understanding students’ pleas, and becoming more so ever compassionate and open, we are extremely gratified by your humane acts of service. Your individual and collective humanism lent hope for those among hopeless, swayed away, and lost. Echoing the professors’ micro efforts to make macro changes is not enough audible. The teachers are often left out with our students’ discussions. We frequently put our teachers at angles of pessimistic plinths making them as foreground nemeses. They are not the enemies, the system is. While some of whom allow themselves to become agents of a broken system that escalates academic divisions; we must not exclude those of few who are bravely going against the currents. The present academic system infiltrates academic rush and compromises learning equity, the brave few are navigating the broken medium with humane foundation as chief drivers. For these professors, we are specifically thanking each of you for alleviating some of the students’ stresses. Teachers, empowered with authentic passion to educate, are not margins, but they are selflessly adjusting.

The professors are not the nemeses of our storyline, the system is.

 Surviving all over again

The totality of the new academic setup is a long apocalypse. Episodes of mental and emotional insanities all rooting from survivability-crises are repeated almost each day. We are challenged staying afloat when majority of us are drowning. Series of self-sabotaging, losing of drive and willpower, isolating oneself from reality, and immersing into heightened emotional shifts reoccur. While the end light of our current tunnel is nowhere near as of speaking, congratulate yourself for still bearing the unbearable. You are a product of such rapid technological adaptations and huge world shifts and still here you are, surviving amidst current circumstances. The capability of you relating even up to this point is a huge academic privilege not everyone has. The mere fact of you still formally learning under the peak of this pandemic speaks so highly about the collective efforts of yourselves, your families’, and everyone financially and emotionally supporting you. You are now multiple steps ahead. Take this as a form of enlightenment and blessing to not put this privilege to waste bins. Some got delayed, some got dropped out of school, some were forced to seek jobs while going to Zoom university, and some did not have the opportunity at all. Take this as a steppingstone to see the world bigger than you. Use your academic blessing to shed light to sociopolitical matters affecting everyone. Use your academic blessing to further stir political and radical conversations initiating sparks of discourses toward society’s equity. Use your academic blessing to resonate at a greater distance oppressed voices and unjust causes. Use your academic blessing for the greater good. Championing sole survivability is pointless if everyone else no longer breathes.

          Use your blessing wisely.

As the year would now end days succeeding, I wish you, my readers, nothing but healthy bodies, serene emotions, energized souls, open-minds, and empowered spirits to uplift others – regardless of mediums. May we allow ourselves to become bridges for impactful changes. May we be not blinded by the sheltered comforts we are currently experiencing; rather, take these as avenues to humble ourselves and put our feet in majority’s shoes. May we always choose compassion, empathy, kindness,

and accountability

all the time.

Wishing you a life empowered with higher purpose,

Asulats.